Marmaduke wants to run on the walking trail, and to hell with the sign.

T-SHIRTS SOLD OUT

I had no idea that'd happen. And I didn't even get sued (yet). As of today, all shirts have been mailed out save for the ones folks have ordered in the last several days; those will be on their way sooner than sooner. A second printing is not out of the question, but I'm starting my required Imaginary Dental School Community service outreach mission trip next week (I'm doing discounted fillings for underprivileged car salesmen in suburban Orlando), so it might be awhile until I have enough time to start another for-profit venture like that.

A couple of notes:

1. If you pre-ordered a shirt and it arrived without your pre-order index card artwork, fear
not: I decided to mail those that I haven't yet completed separately, rather than wait to mail out the shirts until I finished drawing everything.
2. I'm sorry if you wrote to me regarding shirt ideas/requests and did not receive a response; capitalism just kind of overwhelmed me for awhile. If I do make more shirts in the future, I promise I will consider designs without cusses (so you can wear them to school, church, grandma's house, or all of the above), shirts in colors besides black (in case you're not goth), girl-style shirts (for ladies, or lady-shaped guys), and toddler-sized shirts (dunno how cost-effective this would be, but Jesus Christ I love the idea of a baby wearing a shirt with the word "ASSHOLE" on it).
3. If you're the guy from Australia who ordered a shirt, then emailed me asking how much extra postage you needed to send me, it's $4.15. Your email keeps bouncing. Also, that's $4.15 in American currency (unless Australian money is worth more, in which case... aw, fuck, I should've googled that first).

Marmaduke is unable to improve the scent of his owner-lady's perfume.

Marmaduke threatens to bludgeon his owner-man with a skateboard unless he takes him on a walk.

Special Friday "Two-For" (don't freak out)

Marmaduke got a new cell phone, wants some maple syrup on his breakfast, and is an asshole.

Marmaduke is confronted by a large swarm of his illegitimate children while on a walk. His owner-man tries to help him save face in front of a couple of hat-wearing bystanders, painting him as an idolized superstar rather than the sex addict who refuses to pay child support he really is.

Marmaduke swallowed Sarah's wristwatch and he's sick to his stomach. Marmaduke's owner-girl makes a watch-related pun so asinine it takes at least three months off of my life every time I read it.

(side note-- I initially didn't notice the pun and thought Owner-Girl was actually saying "sick." Such is Marmaduke's patented brand of "phantom humor" that today's strip would have been no more or no less funny than any other had that been the case)

Oh, what the hell: JOE MATHLETE EXPLAINS SUNDAY'S MARMADUKE

I don't usually do this, but this one is actually pretty clear-cut.

Marmaduke was captured by animal control. Once placed inside the pet shelter, he slaughtered the entire staff and freed the rest of the dogs, leaving the cats and other animals to starve to death in their cages.

Also, it is brought to our attention that particular residents of Ontario, Fredericksburg, and Syracuse either lead painfully hollow and meaningless lives, will write letters to basically any goddamn thing in the newspaper that asks them to, or have been fabricated by Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson as filler for his weekly spacetaking feature.

JOE MATHLETE IS SPENDING THIS WEEK AT THE POST OFFICE

I've got a crap-ton of t-shirts to mail out this week; my goal is to get completely caught up with all pending shirt orders by the weekend, so the huge selfish dog will have to go (mostly) unexplained this week. Thanks for your patience, those of you who've ordered and have yet to receive; YOU are the Real American Heroes. Especially if you're also a marine.

Regular updates will resume sometime next week. Until then, a few tidbits to tide you over:

1. Marmaduke Explained has been syndicated weekly on CollegeHumor.com for the past couple months or so. A friendly guy who says his name is Streeter (I have no way of verifying this) emailed me and asked about running one installment of my blog every week on their site. I guess I'll have to do one more Marmaduke thing this week so they'll have something to run other than this post.

2. I've been coloring on index cards like mad as of late. Marmaduke-themed examples here and here.

3. Those of you who live in Houston may be interested to know that this weekend marks the world premier of a new show by the Brazosport Li'l Players, a theater company consisting of several cardboard boxes full of wigs, a smoke machine, and some people who act. THE ORDER OF THE SCARLET CAT is set in a small town in east Texas and follows a wealthy man whose dog is murdered by a cult as he attempts to reprogram his daughter's gay husband through intimidation and/or black magic. If you're looking for some progressive performing arts this weekend chock-full of murder, magic and gay reprogramming, look no further. I neither wrote nor directed this show, and may or may not have anything to do with it at all, but if it's half as good as ASSHOLE PARADE (a Satanic marching band comes through town, and people have emotions) 32 SHORT STORIES ABOUT BRAZOSPORT (Bill O'Reilly is replaced by a 70-year old drag queen named Wendy Chicago, played by a 70-year-old drag queen named Wendy Chicago), or WALT GOES TO MODELING SCHOOL (Walt goes to modeling school), you'd be kind of a moron for not checking it out this weekend and the next. If you live in Houston and all.

4. It's been awhile since I've given an update on my Imaginary Dental School progress. My midterms went reasonably well, though I misunderstood the premise of my Fundamentals of Molars oral exam; I thought they just wanted me to talk about teeth and stuff, but I was supposed to poke around in this guy's mouth (oral can apparently mean several different things. I'm not even going to TELL you what this one guy thought he was supposed to do).

5. If anyone has an extra ticket to Coachella (and I guess maybe a plane ticket to California), they should give it to me, 'cuz I really really really really want to see Bjork and Jesus and Mary Chain and Cornelius and Of Montreal and Konono No. 1 and LCD Soundsystem and like thirty of the other bands. If you like, I can write articles about it for your newspaper or webzine or blog or alt weekly or nerdy messageboard (possible headlines: "Joe Mathlete Asks 100 People At Coachella 'Who Are You Trying To Impress?'", "Joe Mathlete Pays Ten Dollars For Eight Ounces of Water While Sparklehorse Plays Half A Mile Away," "Joe Mathlete Gets Pink Hipster Vomit On His Shoes in the Middle of the Desert," "Joe Mathlete Goes to a Rock Festival in California Dressed Like a Hell's Angel and Nobody Finds It Amusing").

6. I need a haircut really badly. You don't need to do anything about this one; I'm just bragging.

Marmaduke, who does not want to play fetch, reminds two young boys that he is a dangerous and amoral carnivore four times their size who is not to be condescended to.