JOE MATHLETE EXPLAINS TODAY'S MARMADUKE

My Thoughts on the Marmaduke Movie; or, My Life in the Bush of Marmaduke; or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Hating Marmaduke

2010-05-18T13:29:00.002-05:00

To paraphrase Stephen Sondheim: Hollywood used to be a breeding ground; now it is a receptacle.

Sondheim was originally talking about Broadway. At least I think he was; I can’t find any proof that he actually ever said that. Whatever, it’s a good quote. Broadway, formerly a bastion of American artistic innovation, is currently the home of Legally Blonde 2: The Musical 2, the sequel to a musical based on the film Legally Blonde 2.

Look what movies are coming out this summer: Sex and the City 2 (sequel to a movie based on a TV show based on a book based on newspaper articles), Iron Man 2 (sequel to a movie based on a 2nd-tier comic book), Jonah Hex (based on a 5th-tier comic book), The A-Team (based on a campy 80s TV action show), Macgruber (based on a series of TV comedy skits based on a campy 80s TV action show) Robin Hood (beyond being basically a Bible story in terms of freshness, it’s also for all intents and purposes a sequel to the film Gladiator), Step Up 3D (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!), Toy Story 3 (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!), Shrek Forever (sequel to the sequel to the sequel to a movie based on fairy tales and fart jokes), Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (based on the sequel to a computer game), The Karate Kid (remake of an 80s movie that spawned several sequels, starring the sequel to Will Smith), Ramona and Beezuz (based on children’s books which have already inspired filmic adaptations), The Last Airbender (based on an animated TV series), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (based on a graphic novel), Nanny McPhee Returns (sequel to a movie based on a series of books), Piranha 3D (remake of a movie that was based on ripping off Jaws), Predators (you know, like the movie Predator, but plural!), Dinner for Schmucks (remake of a French film from a decade ago), Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (sequel to a movie called Cats and Dogs that I’d never heard of until I Googled it so I could write this). That’s not counting films whose plots are just lazy retreads of previous films. And that’s also not counting the Marmaduke movie.

I will say this right now: if there exists a finer metaphor for the creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film system than a movie based on a half-century old comic strip that has been recycling the same five gags since blacks and whites had separate drinking fountains, I cannot imagine it.

I will also say this: I wish people would stop asking me about it.

Click these words to read the rest of this post.

A bright and shiny future

2010-01-19T12:47:00.003-06:00

Thanks in part to Hollywood's refusal to pass up a terrible, terrible idea (see previous post), this is shaping up to be a busy year for me. I've got a couple of announcements I'm not quite ready to announce yet, but in the meantime didja notice the slick new layout we put together for the new Marmaduke Explained archives over at 29-95.com? It's now much easier to navigate, and I'm working towards getting the previous installments posted there as well. Can't you already feel how much life is already improved? Food tastes better, music sounds better, laughter comes from the heart.

If you've got some perverse loyalty to Blogger.com (who, to be fair, have been very very good to me) and have yet to check out the new stuff, you're missing scads of important water cooler moments such as

"Marmaduke is afraid of vacuum cleaners because he is a dog and all dogs are afraid of vacuum cleaners"

and

"Marmaduke expressed his anal glands on some throw pillows to indicate which couch his owner-couple should purchase"

and

"Marmaduke is cosplaying as Natasha Henstridge's character in Species"

and

"Marmaduke writer/creator Brad Anderson is like totally tripping"

and

an emo joke at least four years past its expiration date.

I draw cartoons, too - yellow ones about dating and green ones about everything except dating. Why yes, they ARE highly derivative of the Far Side! Thank you for noticing.

The future: so bright it stings.

20th Century Fox Film Corporation is an asshole

2010-01-06T20:10:00.002-06:00

Hit me with all you've got, Owen Wilson. I will keep fighting the good fight.

This bears mentioning

2009-10-30T12:43:00.002-05:00

I'm still explaining Marmaduke, quite regularly. Today this happened and I figured I ought to share.

Here's a link to the new Marmaduke Explained archive again, and here's a way to find a lot of the other stuff I'm writing at 29-95.com. Also you can just google "Joe Mathlete" any old time you want and see what pops up. I've done it before, it's neat. You should try it with your own name, too.

Marmaduke Explained running every Monday Wednesday and Friday

2009-05-18T03:55:00.004-05:00

For the time being at least. On 29-95.com, a website on the internet. Check 'em out at http://29-95.com/time-suck; if you click on the tag ("Marmaduke Explained") on any given post you can get to all the previous ones pretty easily.

I've only been doing them a few weeks there and already I've hit my first "just a bunch of all-caps swearing at Brad Anderson" wall. C'est la 'duke.

Marmaduke Explained lives.

2009-05-04T16:15:00.003-05:00

Lookit lookit lookit the first post over here at 29-95.com. I'm totally doing these on a regular basis again. They've got RSS feeds and other web two point oh things I honest to god still don't understand, if that makes it easier on you. Also, like I said in my last post I'm writing other stuff (this week is Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios Week, for some reason. I'm also reviewing The Godfather Part III - again, for some reason).

I'm probably one step closer to getting sued. Break out the champagne!

29-95.com - a few words about a thing/future of Marmaduke Explained

2009-04-23T22:43:00.003-05:00

So:

I'm writing for a new website, like on an everyday-type basis. It's called 29-95.com and it's based out of Houston, my hometown. They've got most of my stuff in the "Time Suck" section, on account it's SO ADDICTIVE IT LITERALLY SUCKS AWAY YOUR SPARE TIME LIKE A VAMPIRE. So far it's a couple of crudely-drawn comic strips, "Sauce Policy" and "Dating is Hard," as well as a work in a similar vein to my Great American Blog stuff. Some highlights:

What I Think Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" Sounds Like, Without Ever Having Heard It

How Was I Not Fired

Can Your Preacher Turn Into an Airplane?

Drawing Index Cards, Live In Person

Ruined Movie Soundtrack Smorgasbord

Now: I know a lot of you never cared too much about the other stuff I've done, and that's cool; I always thought it was silly when the host on SNL wanted to sing a song, regardless of their background or interests or whatever. I mention this here rather than on my other blog for three reasons:

1. It stands to reason this blog just gets more traffic, even when it hasn't been updated in forever (which is often lately)

2. I did mention it on my other blog, in more depth

3. Starting sometime in the next few weeks, I will be doing Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke on 29-95 on a regular basis OH SNAP ASHTON!

Still working out some specifics, but yes, after over a year I will be back on a regular schedule explaining Marmaduke. Stay "tuned" for more information; I'll let you know what I know when I know it. For now, if you'd like to read some more in-depth thoughts about the new site, please read 'em here.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

2009-04-21T19:15:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke's owner-man can justify it however he wants, but there is only one explanation: he lets Marmaduke dig because he is a big pussy.

2009-04-13T01:39:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke tipped a cab driver with a bone. But presumably he paid the actual fare with cash, which honestly seems much weirder to me...

Sometimes I find myself thinking about these things for too long and it's never good for my health.

2009-04-06T14:11:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson has a dim awareness that something significant is going on in the news lately with economics, and he might as well try to write a comic strip about it.

2009-04-01T15:32:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is so big and humongous, it would take a whole entire tow truck just to pull him off the sofa!

2009-03-30T04:41:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is about to sodomize a banker into signing his owner-man's loan papers.

And yes, before I get any emails, Marmaduke will probably eat the banker after he sodomizes him. What else would he do?

2009-03-26T11:49:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke vomited the contents of a child's toybox and a couple of femurs onto an old lady.

2009-03-24T21:41:00.001-05:00

Taaaaaaaake... Onnnnnn... Meeeeeee...

2009-03-16T00:27:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is yellow on Sundays and brown the rest of the week.

(I don't read the Sunday Marmadukes very often, and with good reason. I don't know what it is but the dialogue reads like it was translated from some another language. A CONFLICT OVER WHO IS THE BOSS isn't exactly A WINNER IS YOU or ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US, but I think a copyeditor couldn't hurt here. Also maybe somebody to come up with a joke every now and then.)

2009-03-14T11:13:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke is dirty and neither his owner-man nor his owner-lady wants to wash him, both preferring to wash their minivan instead. As I personally would rather wash a car than any large dog, and as this scenario thusly seems to amount to little more than a mundane slice of life, I am concluding that today's Marmaduke has been ghostwritten by American Splendor creator Harvey Pekar, slumming it and floundering accordingly.

2009-03-13T18:28:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke is colored by a lazy hack.

And, for that matter, written by a lazy hack.

And drawn by what appears to me to be a rotating team of lazy hacks.

Let me start over: Marmaduke is colored by an industry professional performing at precisely the appropriate level his assignment calls for.

2009-03-11T12:30:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke broke his owner-family's heater in order to lure them into his cozy rapecabin (like a doghouse but with a chimney, and rape).

2009-03-10T02:17:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke misses his testicles.

2009-03-09T14:06:00.003-05:00

1. Marmaduke has been given a pet frog, despite being a pet himself.
2. Marmaduke takes this pet frog on walks, complete with tiny collar and leash.
3. These walks are conducted when Marmaduke himself is taken for a walk (by his owner-man).
4. As a frog travels via hopping (rather than walking), Marmaduke is seen hopping (rather than walking) during this particular walk/hop, most likely to mimic his pet's movement rather than out of necessity.
5. Marmaduke's owner-man is seen hopping as well, despite the fact that such hopping is embarrassing (explicitly) and unnecessary/inconvenient (implicitly).
6. Marmaduke is now published in color, even on weekdays.

All of this is absurd.

2009-03-07T10:12:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke has passed out from huffing a carbon monoxide leak.

2009-03-06T16:32:00.003-06:00

Sperm joke.

2008-09-11T22:45:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is dead.

2008-07-13T04:43:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke's owner-man offers up a fatalistic zen-like aphorism on the futility of 21st century life that doubles as an explanation of his huge stupid dog's behavior.

2008-06-26T01:18:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is bi-curious. And not the least bit shy about it.

2008-06-23T22:58:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is an asshole.

So I just moved a few weeks ago. I'm still unpacking and settling in, and this evening I asked my roommate what I should work on. She said "why don't you do Marmaduke again?" and I realized I hadn't updated this blog since just after we moved. I look at today's strip, hoping I'd be inspired to unleash some deliciously clever wit on Brad Anderson's latest brainfart. Instead I find the above cartoon, and am forced to once again revert to the closest thing to a catchphrase I have authored in my silly little life.

My roommate, to her credit, discouraged me from taking the easy way out, but when asked what the hell else I could possibly say about this comic strip (without just mentioning my last entry and writing about vomit), she was at a similar loss and could only offer up "I don't know... Something about TV trays?"

So yeah. Marmaduke is an asshole.

2008-06-04T16:41:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is doing a blind taste test. Marmaduke's owner-family refuses to buy him dog food that isn't made from vomit, which finally explains to me exactly why he's such an asshole.

In light of this discovery, I may not need to ever update this blog again.

2008-05-26T00:57:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is forcibly dry-humping his owner-man. Marmaduke's attention-starved owner-lady blathers something about eating some weird kind of pie, but Marmaduke's perturbed/sassy glance towards the reader indicates that he cares infinitely less about her eating habits than about dry-humping.

2008-05-03T00:02:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke, according to his owner-man, chug-a-lugged (sic) his food so fast he got hiccups (also colloquially referred to as "whif-ups," or sometimes "whuf-ups"). For some reason Marmaduke's food dish has been placed upon a teeny little table. His owner-lady peers out from behind a wall that disappears into her dog's hindquarters. None of this counts as a proper joke.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really do hate this comic strip.

2008-04-30T01:39:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is afraid of cats.

Wait, what the fuck?

2008-04-28T04:59:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is an asshole.

I am talking about the internet tomorrow (in real life)

2008-04-24T19:53:00.004-05:00

If you want to watch it on your computer, here is some information (copypasted from an email I just got):

"LIVE-STREAMING: ROFLCon panels/talks will be live-streamed on USTREAM! We think this will be comforting for everyone on the interwebs who can't come to this crazy event. If you would like to comfort your fans, please blog this/twitter it/shout it from the rooftops! URL: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/roflcon-live"

I will be speaking at 1 pm Eastern time on a panel with the Chuck Norris Facts guy, the Bert is Evil guy, the One Red Paperclip guy, and the JibJab guy. If any of this sounds like something that would interest you, you might find this interesting.

Someday I will make another post about Marmaduke, I swear.

Joe Mathlete Publicly Responds To Some Of Your Correspondance From Like A Month Or Two Ago

2008-04-21T17:18:00.005-05:00

The following messages were sent to my band's MySpace account, as I guess it's kind of hard to find my email address (sk8erboi420@hellokittyfans.shit). In case anyone else reading has or had any similar thoughts or concerns, or maybe just because I'm a dick and I'm procrastinating today, I figured I'd respond to them here.

---------------------------------------
From: ameera

Subject: Marmaduke Concerns

Body: Dear Joe Mathlete,

My friend Sarah and I have long been fans of you and your explanations of the antics of everyone's favorite dull-witted cartoon dog. However as of late, it seems like your explanations of Marmaduke are a little uninspired. In fact, Sarah and I have developed a theory that perhaps you are not actually writing the Marmaduke explanations yourself. So what's the deal? Have you hired out a ghost explainer? Or have you just lost the taste for brief summaries of Marmaduke?

cordially,
ameera

------------------------------

Dear ameera,

Thank you for you and your capitalized friend Sarah's concerns (such as they are). I will allow that I got off to a bit of a rocky start at the top of the year; there are essentially four jokes in any given Marmaduke strip (Marmaduke is big, Marmaduke is an asshole, Marmaduke thinks he's people, and the occasional inexplicable bit of "phantom humor"), which means that if I'm just explaining what's happening in each day's Marmaduke (what I originally intended to do with this blog) I'm going to be repeating myself quite a bit. Also, karma's known for being a bitch so I'm trying not to jinx myself with too many more Alzheimer's jokes. I think the blog tends to be funnier if I'm working the kind of job where I'm sitting in front of a computer all day bored out of my skull, which hasn't been the case since late last year. But I'll try to keep up with the funny.

Having said that, considering I decided to stop selling merch awhile ago and don't advertise on the site outside of Google Ads (which if I'm lucky makes me almost enough to buy a sandwich every two or three weeks), the idea that I've hired someone to ghostwrite this stuff strikes me as kind of hilarious. Also, the most recent strip as of the writing of your email was this one, which was in my humble/egotistical opinion one of the best posts I've ever done (read it carefully this time).

Anyway, thank you for the cordiality and such. I hope things have begun to get a little bit less phoned in, and I'll try to keep some level of quality control for as long as I'm going to keep doing this (going on nearly two years now... Jesus, how have I not been sued yet?).

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

------------------------------------------

From: DOOLEY

Subject: To Joe

Body:

i couldnt find a way to email you so i decided to use myspace, anyway i can tell you really dont want to do marmaduke explained anymore, so please stop, you used to explain it in a funny and witty manner and i was laughing my ass off, but now, now your REALLY explaining it it's not funny at all your just saying whats happening in a totally un-funny manner, so im begging you, please stop, just let it die and let me forget about this blog completely.

Thank you,
Mike

-------------------------------------

Dear teenage stoner from Boise,

Thank you for taking the time to give blunt (no pun intended) and unsolicited advice to a stranger on the internet. As glad as I am to have made a Kottonmouth Kings fan laugh his ass off (literally? That part was a bit unclear. If so, I hope it got better), I would have no problem if someone who didn't enjoy my silly trifle of a blog stopped looking at it. I imagine after two or three days you would have absolutely no trouble forgetting it.

And for the record: I know your MySpace music playlist is essentially the result of you trying to compile pretty much every song you could find about drugs into one convenient place, but Guided by Voices' "Weedking" is not about weed, nor is Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You" about getting faded. I will grant you that "Fade Into You" sounds really good when you're high, though. And "Weedking" sounds really good regardless. But you're not the first stoner to accidentally get into music way out of your league, so don't get too excited.

Anyway, you should be commended for your ability to write an entire paragraph using only one period. Thank god you're not into meth or it could've been nine times as long.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

----------------------------------------------

For the record, I've got nothing against teenagers, stoners or Boise. Case in point: I'm a huge Built to Spill fan, something that can be said to encompass all three.

2008-04-21T17:11:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke is paralyzed by the pressure of choosing which of two objects he should spend his day chewing on. Marmaduke's owner-lady mocks his plight while cradling an armload of either towels or enormous lasagna noodles.

2008-04-17T16:30:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke, bereft of any vestiges of morality as ever, tried to cheat at a game of poker. What's worse than that, it was at a game made up entirely of elementary school girls. What's worse than that, he failed instantly.

2008-04-15T19:02:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke's impotent neighborhood dogcatchers have delusions of grandeur.

Hey, Joe, what's new with you?

2008-04-14T00:46:00.003-05:00

I appreciate your interest.

So on April 25 and 26, I am going to Boston to appear at "ROFLcon," which is as far as I can tell a gathering of a bunch of people who have gained some sort of notoriety based on cool and/or dumb shit they did on the internet. I'll be speaking on a panel at 1 PM Friday afternoon, then most likely drinking whiskey for the remainder of the weekend. The people setting up the convention/conference/symposium/nerd party have been incredibly friendly and cool, and it should be a lot of fun, or at least bizarre. Registration appears to be closed, but if this is the sort of thing you would be into, I can't imagine you don't already know about it.

Also, I have my hand in another blog, "Robot McGee Explains Fine Art." If you would like some context, you can find it right over here. Don't expect this one to get updated all that often. Actually: don't expect any of them to get updated all that often. That way, when they do, it's a nice surprise.

I made a short film about the Beatles that I'll hopefully put on the internet soon. I think a lot of you may like that. I'm recording a whole bunch of songs right now, too. Those I'm not so sure how you would react to, but I'm liking them quite a bit at the moment. I have a sunburn and my sister's cat had kittens. I guess that's about all for now. Thank you for asking.

OMG WTF CONTINUITY

2008-04-13T02:40:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson crafted a zany gag so epic and layered it required two consecutive days to tell it. The breakdown: Marmaduke is trying to read his owner-man's newspaper before Owner Man is finished with it, in multiple distracting and insubordinate fashions, even though he is a dog (dogs can't read newspapers, or anything else).

2008-04-09T01:07:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is tentative about venturing into Spooky Haunted Rape Forest.

2008-04-08T20:10:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is aggressively Tiananmen Square-ing a couple of pushover garbagemen.

2008-04-07T13:48:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke sexually harassed a police officer just to get his owner-man in trouble, and by the looks of the (uncomfortably breast-level) raspberry he is blowing at his owner-lady, he would do it again in a heartbeat.

2008-03-31T03:05:00.005-05:00

Marmaduke hasn't terrorized his fat elderly neighbor in a fortnight. This warrants a friendly visit from the curious egg-shaped gentleman, smartly dressed in a dapper pork pie hat/vest/slacks/old man sneakers combo.

2008-03-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is subordinate to the moon.

2008-03-28T03:20:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke smelled pizza on a pedestrian's breath and began violently licking the man's face off.

2008-03-24T14:56:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke dragged his owner-man through Disney World.

2008-03-21T14:41:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is about to go on a date. His owner-lady makes an unfathomably distasteful double entendre about Marmaduke's girlfriend, Snyder.

2008-03-10T22:36:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is mildly rebuked by his owner-lady (who says she would prefer a subtler and less aggressive courtship) as he prepares to fuck the living daylights out of her.

2008-03-07T05:53:00.002-06:00

Marmaduke is upset that it is too cold to use the hot tub, so he began yelling.

2008-03-07T05:48:00.002-06:00

Marmaduke is bartering with his owner-boy. Owner Boy is offering a bunch of stuff dogs like to chew on or eat for a baseball, which Marmaduke probably stole.

2008-03-07T05:46:00.001-06:00

Marmaduke slept on his owner-lady's lap all day, preventing her from being in the kitchen.

2008-02-25T15:09:00.003-06:00

Marmaduke does not want to eat a bowl of Daug Food-brand dog food, which he considers to be distasteful. Marmaduke's owner-man tells Marmaduke it would be in his best interests to develop a taste for the food, as Owner-Man bought a very large quantity of the product and has thus committed Marmaduke to several weeks worth of Daug Food meals.

2008-02-15T13:04:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is a Freegan.

2008-02-12T13:51:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke shits bones.

2008-02-11T15:40:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke likes being a dog, due in part to his flexible schedule.

2008-02-09T00:33:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke has committed unspecified mischiefs against his owner-lady and is hiding from her in an ineffectual manner.

2008-02-08T00:06:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is being held in his backyard against his will. Rather than destroying something or threatening physical violence to get his way, he writes a distress signal in the snow in an attempt to communicate with passing aircraft, birds, or Google Earth.

2008-02-07T15:18:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is stoic.

End O' The Year

2007-12-25T19:55:00.000-06:00

Today is Christmas. I got some shirts and a trumpet... Badass.

Marmaduke Explained is on hiatus or whatever until shortly after New Year's. First, here's a few things that bear mentioning.

- Thanks to everyone who ordered t-shirts. To everyone who has not ordered a t-shirt, you should order one. They're very neat, and probably give you all kinds of sex appeal. Extra special thanks much to Brian from tikitees.com for the manufacturing and the shipping and the general helping me out, and also my sister Kate for teaching me organization-type stuff and keeping track of things. Be cool and order a bunch of shirts, then allow two to four weeks for shipping.

- Apparently I am going to speak at a convention for internet people at Harvard next spring. Click here to read about stuff.

- There will probably be a couple of changes over the next couple of months. Long story short, my heart sorta hasn't really been in this lately (assuming it ever is, I mean), and I'm going to try and figure out a way to make this blog both better for you folks and more interesting for myself. I found this totally fun dancing baby .gif on my aunt's geocities page; hopefully that'll kick the excitement factor up a couple of notches.

- I am going to make a concerted effort to read everyone's comments over the next week. If you said any nasty things about my mother, you should go delete them now, because that would make me completely angry.

- If anyone's going to Oklahoma to see the Flaming Lips on New Year's Eve, say hi to me. I am going to be wearing a hat, unless I choose not to.

2007-12-22T03:55:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke and a bunch of other dogs are Christmas caroling. A man and his wife prefer the dogs' caroling to the caroling of the other Christmas carolers they have seen.

2007-12-21T16:51:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is wearing a hat. He is asked whether the hat means his ears are cold or he is trying to make a fashion statement by his fat elderly neighbor (who is trying to make a fashion statement of his own).

2007-12-20T01:22:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke, who has been eagerly anticipating Christmas for a good long while now, opens his front door to find not the bearded red coat-wearing man in a sleigh (Santa) he had been hoping for, but a spindly-limbed alien. Marmaduke runs his preconceived checklist of Santa characteristics by his owner-man, who confirms them. It is anyone's guess as to why the alien was knocking on their door, or why Marmaduke opened the door, or HOW Marmaduke opened the door, or how Marmaduke communicated "Are you sure Santa has a red coat, beard and a sleigh?" to his owner-man, but I wouldn't recommend thinking too hard about any of this.

2007-12-18T04:00:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke appears to have been drawn by a flipper baby today.

2007-12-17T02:18:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke has a habit of fucking poodles around Christmastime. Both he and his latest yuletide one-night-stand have the ability to levitate outside of windows.

CHRISTMAS SHIPPING TIMEFRAME = EXPIRED

2007-12-13T14:42:00.000-06:00

Everyone who ordered shirts before midnight last night will receive them sometime next week, just in time to absentmindedly wrap them in old newspaper and hurry over to Grandpa's for the holidays. Everybody who ordered after midnight, your Grandpas are going to have to wait until after December 25th for their cuss-laden t-shirts, unless you want to take a sharpie and write "SHIT" or "FUCKBALLS" or something on a dollar-store undershirt. Totally up to you.

Christmas Beats,

Joe Mathlete

2007-12-13T14:37:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is serving time-out for capsizing his owner-family's Christmas tree. He signals his owner-lady to request if he would be able to serve it with a girl named Billy, but she denies him permission to do so.

In no universe could a real dog actually position its arm like that.

reminder: TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO ORDER A SHIRT FOR HOLIDAY SHIPPING

2007-12-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

I'm using the word "holiday" in the Wal-Mart/McDonald's sense, where it means "Christmas" or "December 25th. But yeah, you've got to order by tonight at midnight (CST) if you want any t-shirts by then.

Also, if you're Canadian and ordered a shirt and haven't gotten back to me, check your email.

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR LAST CHANCE AT THE HOLIDAYS NOT SUCKING

2007-12-11T15:50:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke's will is ten percent of property law and has veto power over the other ninety percent.

T-Shirt Update

2007-12-10T00:19:00.000-06:00

Number One: The deadline for domestic Christmas shipping is midnight, December 12 (that's Central Standard time, on account of I live in Houston and I'm not gonna stay awake an extra couple hours just so someone on the west coast can get their shit together). Click here and give me your money (in exchange for material goods)!

Number Two: If you're from Canada and are planning on ordering a shirt, please read this.

Number Three: If you're from Canada and have already ordered a shirt, check your email (the one that's hooked up to your PayPal account).

Number Four: Can you believe I haven't been sued yet? I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for well over a year now. I hope I'm not tempting fate by acknowledging this.

2007-12-10T00:04:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke's doghouse has a garage. Get it? It's a doghouse, with a garage! Nobody knows why Marmaduke needs a garage, but he has a garage all the same. What a strange thing for a doghouse to have! So outrageously wacky, so deliciously absurd-- quintessential Marmaduke.

2007-12-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is a little behind in his bone burying. His owner-man incorrectly postulates this is because the ground is frozen while serving Marmaduke a bag of Barfoo-brand dog food. The reality of the situation is that Marmaduke has been drinking too much to get around to his bone burying, but Owner-Man is too wrapped up in feeding him to notice the spent beer cans scattered around the premises.

2007-12-05T02:51:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is gloating about his family's wealth, despite the fact that their house appears to have significant foundation problems.

2007-12-03T01:42:00.001-06:00

Marmaduke's owner-family went to Piney Tree Farm, which allows you to pick ur own tree. Their decision strategy consists of waiting to see which tree their Great Dane urinates on.

2007-11-29T20:48:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke destroyed his owner-family's mailbox (and probably a number of other things) during his afternoon walk with his owner-man. Owner-Man makes light of the mailbox situation to his wife, yet another example of how the bulk of their communication is a numb, disconnected and empty series of weak jokes and ironic understatements deployed in order to distance themselves from the horror and futility of spending their lives as the prisoner-slaves of their powerful, self-serving ogre of a dog.

Capitalism strikes again: T-SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE

2007-11-28T04:30:00.000-06:00

Three shirt designs, a variety of colors, choice of swears or no swears, high-quality Hanes cotton blends, and remember: ALL SHIRTS ORDERED BY DECEMBER 12 WILL SHIP IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. I think that about covers it.

Click here to get funky (with commerce)

T-Shirts: TOTALLY AVAILABLE WEDNESDAY!

2007-11-27T02:10:00.000-06:00

They would be here today but Paypal and html are once again conspiring against me (so, "technical difficulties").

HOWEVER, I can announce with astonishing certainty the following:

- There will be three shirt designs for sale, each one radder than the last

- Each shirt comes in three different color schemes (no more "white ink on black and to hell with you if you're not down with that")

- Some of the shirts contain absolutely no cuss words whatsoever, meaning you will be able to wear them in front of your grandpa without offending him (though he may find it somewhat confusing)

- Each shirt is available in a "girly tee" design, perfect for both ladies and skinny dudes with breasts

- Those of you festive enough to order your shirts by WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12 will receive your shirt just in time for Christmas

Tune in tomorrow to get your commerce on, as well as witness the unveiling of the secret (and super-cool) third shirt design. I'll give you a hint: it's about Marmaduke.

2007-11-27T01:57:00.001-06:00

Marmaduke fetched his owner-man's newspaper but mangled it badly in the process. Realizing that his gigantic dog not only shredded his paper but stole the free sample of ecstasy included within, Owner-Man chastises Marmaduke, who responds by grinning widely, staring blankly into the middle distance and thinking about how he loves things that make him happy.

Guess who has a bootleg copy of Photoshop?

2007-11-25T02:00:00.001-06:00

2007-11-21T04:27:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is staring intensely at one of his owner-lady's houseguests, interrupting the ladies' conversation and showing little regard for etiquette or personal space. Depending on the level of anthropomorphization one wishes to assign to Marmaduke, he is either being extremely rude, extremely threatening, a dog, or some combination thereof.

For the first time ever: JOE MATHLETE RECAPTIONS MARMADUKE!

2007-11-19T16:30:00.001-06:00

"Marmaduke, what are you doing?"

"Marmaduke, stop it!"

"Marmaduke, shut up!"

"Marmaduke!"

"You're an asshole."

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT: T-SHIRTS ARE BACK!

2007-11-19T16:11:00.000-06:00

Or will be back soon, like next week or so maybe once I figure a couple things out.

HOWEVER:

Not only will this fine beauty be available for commercial consumption once again; I will also be offering additional designs somewhat more appropriate to wear in front of your grandparents. Stay tuned this week, and make sure to get overly excited.

Joe Mathlete is going to not do this for a week

2007-11-12T22:04:00.000-06:00

Next week: EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!

This week: NAPS!

2007-11-09T15:11:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke destroyed or disturbed nearly every item in the house for reasons still at large. His owner-lady offers several hypotheses for the rampage that vary wildly in probability, failing to touch upon the most likely and obvious explanation (Marmaduke felt like it).

2007-11-08T14:03:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke's fat, elderly neighbor has been huffing paint thinner again, which does not mix well with his Alzheimer's.

2007-11-07T14:09:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke, in an exquisitely ironic bit of comical juxtaposition, is being disobedient on the way to obedience school.

2007-11-06T02:34:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke's owner-man and owner-lady are not going to let him watch any more Fred Astaire movies, as they give him horrifically violent seizures.

2007-11-05T01:00:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke is licking his owner-girl's mouth because it tastes like strawberries. Though it makes perfect sense for a dog to do this, I still find something about today's Marmaduke vaguely upsetting.

2007-11-01T05:27:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke's owner-man, is taking Marmaduke out for a walk. Owner-Man asks Marmaduke to slow down, implying that their walk is a competition rather than exercise. Marmaduke invites Owner-Man (who appears to be suffering from mild cerebral palsy) to kiss his ass.

2007-10-31T14:53:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke dug a large hole under his doghouse (the interior of which I could have sworn was supposed to be disproportionately enormous, but asking for continuity out of Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson is like asking your 100-year-old grandpa what he had for dinner last Thursday). Marmaduke's owner-man and fat, elderly neighbor, who tend to have absolutely nothing better to do than lean on their backyard fence and make wisecracks about what Marmaduke is doing, lean on their backyard fence and make wisecracks about what Marmaduke is doing.

2007-10-29T05:17:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is fetching the paper for his owner-man. Marmaduke's concept of "fetching" is limited primarily to the act of getting something and chewing on it; fulfilling his owner-man's wishes is not really part of the process.

2007-10-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is being affectionate to a stranger in order to ruin his owner-man's day. Their relationship is complicated at best.

2007-10-24T15:12:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is a member of the Boy Scouts of America, despite being a large dog rather than a boy. He has developed the sole shared characteristic of all Boy Scouts: the compulsive need to help old ladies across the street, even if it means dropping everything you're doing (like being walked by your owner-man) and physically harming the old lady (in this case, by biting a chunk out of her arm).

Marmaduke's Owner-Man vainly attempts to exert control over the situation by doing a racist World War II-era impersonation of Hideki Tojo.

2007-10-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is flying.

2007-10-22T13:10:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is hugging his owner-man because the lawn mower is about to hibernate.

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke: Now with comments

2007-10-21T21:46:00.000-05:00

As some of you have noticed, I have never allowed comments on this blog. I have a number of reasons for this, but recently I have found a number of reasons to go against my initial stance:

1. I keep getting a lot of emails asking me to allow comments

2. People often leave comments related to this blog on another blog I do

3. The people leaving comments, and especially writing the emails, are almost uniformly friendly and thoughtful (or at the very least, not stupid)

4. I don't have to read blog comments if I don't want to, and I sure as hell don't have to respond to them if I don't feel like it

5. Eh, what the hell

That last one was by far the most important. So: eh, what the hell, comments are enabled. I totally reserve the right to yank this feature if I decide this was a bad idea.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

2007-10-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke, who is skateboarding, knocks over a man in an ill-fitting suit who had previously seen everything but a skateboarding dog knocking him over.

2007-10-18T01:18:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke stole his owner-man's car keys, which he used to steal his owner-man's van. Owner man is too busy wearing a fedora to realize this.

2007-10-16T19:03:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke ate his owner-children while they were making sandwiches, but now finds himself overcome with remorse. The reality of the situation has not yet hit Marmaduke's owner lady, who so far has only noticed her giant Great Dane weeping into her children's backpack.

2007-10-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke ordered a dumptruck and a dumptruck's worth of bones from Ace, a guy who sells ridiculous bullshit to dogs.

2007-10-12T04:53:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke sold the naming rights to his doghouse (to Cave's Meats).

2007-10-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke is inspecting his owner-boy's backpack. Marmaduke's owner-boy tells two identical twins standing thirty inches to his side that Marmaduke is inspecting his backpack, and he will have to wait until Marmaduke finishes until he can meet them where they are.