JOE MATHLETE EXPLAINS TODAY'S MARMADUKE

Marmaduke Explained running every Monday Wednesday and Friday

2009-05-18T03:55:00.003-05:00

For the time being at least. On 29-95.com, a website on the internet. Check 'em out at http://29-95.com/time-suck; if you click on the tag ("Marmaduke Explained") on any given post you can get to all the previous ones pretty easily.

I've only been doing them a few weeks there and already I've hit my first "just a bunch of all-caps swearing at Brad Anderson" wall. C'est la 'duke.

Marmaduke Explained lives.

2009-05-04T16:15:00.003-05:00

Lookit lookit lookit the first post over here at 29-95.com. I'm totally doing these on a regular basis again. They've got RSS feeds and other web two point oh things I honest to god still don't understand, if that makes it easier on you. Also, like I said in my last post I'm writing other stuff (this week is Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios Week, for some reason. I'm also reviewing The Godfather Part III - again, for some reason).

I'm probably one step closer to getting sued. Break out the champagne!

29-95.com - a few words about a thing/future of Marmaduke Explained

2009-04-23T22:43:00.003-05:00

So:

I'm writing for a new website, like on an everyday-type basis. It's called 29-95.com and it's based out of Houston, my hometown. They've got most of my stuff in the "Time Suck" section, on account it's SO ADDICTIVE IT LITERALLY SUCKS AWAY YOUR SPARE TIME LIKE A VAMPIRE. So far it's a couple of crudely-drawn comic strips, "Sauce Policy" and "Dating is Hard," as well as a work in a similar vein to my Great American Blog stuff. Some highlights:

What I Think Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" Sounds Like, Without Ever Having Heard It

How Was I Not Fired

Can Your Preacher Turn Into an Airplane?

Drawing Index Cards, Live In Person

Ruined Movie Soundtrack Smorgasbord

Now: I know a lot of you never cared too much about the other stuff I've done, and that's cool; I always thought it was silly when the host on SNL wanted to sing a song, regardless of their background or interests or whatever. I mention this here rather than on my other blog for three reasons:

1. It stands to reason this blog just gets more traffic, even when it hasn't been updated in forever (which is often lately)

2. I did mention it on my other blog, in more depth

3. Starting sometime in the next few weeks, I will be doing Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke on 29-95 on a regular basis OH SNAP ASHTON!

Still working out some specifics, but yes, after over a year I will be back on a regular schedule explaining Marmaduke. Stay "tuned" for more information; I'll let you know what I know when I know it. For now, if you'd like to read some more in-depth thoughts about the new site, please read 'em here.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

2009-04-21T19:15:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke's owner-man can justify it however he wants, but there is only one explanation: he lets Marmaduke dig because he is a big pussy.

2009-04-13T01:39:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke tipped a cab driver with a bone. But presumably he paid the actual fare with cash, which honestly seems much weirder to me...

Sometimes I find myself thinking about these things for too long and it's never good for my health.

2009-04-06T14:11:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson has a dim awareness that something significant is going on in the news lately with economics, and he might as well try to write a comic strip about it.

2009-04-01T15:32:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is so big and humongous, it would take a whole entire tow truck just to pull him off the sofa!

2009-03-30T04:41:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is about to sodomize a banker into signing his owner-man's loan papers.

And yes, before I get any emails, Marmaduke will probably eat the banker after he sodomizes him. What else would he do?

2009-03-26T11:49:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke vomited the contents of a child's toybox and a couple of femurs onto an old lady.

2009-03-24T21:41:00.001-05:00

Taaaaaaaake... Onnnnnn... Meeeeeee...

2009-03-16T00:27:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is yellow on Sundays and brown the rest of the week.

(I don't read the Sunday Marmadukes very often, and with good reason. I don't know what it is but the dialogue reads like it was translated from some another language. A CONFLICT OVER WHO IS THE BOSS isn't exactly A WINNER IS YOU or ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US, but I think a copyeditor couldn't hurt here. Also maybe somebody to come up with a joke every now and then.)

2009-03-14T11:13:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke is dirty and neither his owner-man nor his owner-lady wants to wash him, both preferring to wash their minivan instead. As I personally would rather wash a car than any large dog, and as this scenario thusly seems to amount to little more than a mundane slice of life, I am concluding that today's Marmaduke has been ghostwritten by American Splendor creator Harvey Pekar, slumming it and floundering accordingly.

2009-03-13T18:28:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke is colored by a lazy hack.

And, for that matter, written by a lazy hack.

And drawn by what appears to me to be a rotating team of lazy hacks.

Let me start over: Marmaduke is colored by an industry professional performing at precisely the appropriate level his assignment calls for.

2009-03-11T12:30:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke broke his owner-family's heater in order to lure them into his cozy rapecabin (like a doghouse but with a chimney, and rape).

2009-03-10T02:17:00.000-05:00

Marmaduke misses his testicles.

2009-03-09T14:06:00.003-05:00

1. Marmaduke has been given a pet frog, despite being a pet himself.
2. Marmaduke takes this pet frog on walks, complete with tiny collar and leash.
3. These walks are conducted when Marmaduke himself is taken for a walk (by his owner-man).
4. As a frog travels via hopping (rather than walking), Marmaduke is seen hopping (rather than walking) during this particular walk/hop, most likely to mimic his pet's movement rather than out of necessity.
5. Marmaduke's owner-man is seen hopping as well, despite the fact that such hopping is embarrassing (explicitly) and unnecessary/inconvenient (implicitly).
6. Marmaduke is now published in color, even on weekdays.

All of this is absurd.

2009-03-07T10:12:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke has passed out from huffing a carbon monoxide leak.

2009-03-06T16:32:00.003-06:00

Sperm joke.

2008-09-11T22:45:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is dead.

2008-07-13T04:43:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke's owner-man offers up a fatalistic zen-like aphorism on the futility of 21st century life that doubles as an explanation of his huge stupid dog's behavior.

2008-06-26T01:18:00.001-05:00

Marmaduke is bi-curious. And not the least bit shy about it.

2008-06-23T22:58:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is an asshole.

So I just moved a few weeks ago. I'm still unpacking and settling in, and this evening I asked my roommate what I should work on. She said "why don't you do Marmaduke again?" and I realized I hadn't updated this blog since just after we moved. I look at today's strip, hoping I'd be inspired to unleash some deliciously clever wit on Brad Anderson's latest brainfart. Instead I find the above cartoon, and am forced to once again revert to the closest thing to a catchphrase I have authored in my silly little life.

My roommate, to her credit, discouraged me from taking the easy way out, but when asked what the hell else I could possibly say about this comic strip (without just mentioning my last entry and writing about vomit), she was at a similar loss and could only offer up "I don't know... Something about TV trays?"

So yeah. Marmaduke is an asshole.

2008-06-04T16:41:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is doing a blind taste test. Marmaduke's owner-family refuses to buy him dog food that isn't made from vomit, which finally explains to me exactly why he's such an asshole.

In light of this discovery, I may not need to ever update this blog again.

2008-05-26T00:57:00.002-05:00

Marmaduke is forcibly dry-humping his owner-man. Marmaduke's attention-starved owner-lady blathers something about eating some weird kind of pie, but Marmaduke's perturbed/sassy glance towards the reader indicates that he cares infinitely less about her eating habits than about dry-humping.

2008-05-03T00:02:00.003-05:00

Marmaduke, according to his owner-man, chug-a-lugged (sic) his food so fast he got hiccups (also colloquially referred to as "whif-ups," or sometimes "whuf-ups"). For some reason Marmaduke's food dish has been placed upon a teeny little table. His owner-lady peers out from behind a wall that disappears into her dog's hindquarters. None of this counts as a proper joke.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really do hate this comic strip.